Mommy 101

Expectant moms beam with joy and anticipation. They buy cute outfits and stylish gear to help make the transition into the infant centered world. They go to breathing classes and make birthing plans. They ask questions of those who have gone before them and read every parenting book they can get their hands on.
I know. I have been there.

 Sure, authors write about how children are pure joy and life's greatest blessings (no argument here!) or specific tips on teething, potty training and peer pressure (all great info, for sure).

I won't address any of this though. What has puzzled me since my children were born is that I can't find any parenting books out there that tell you about "real" motherhood. You know, the nitty gritty. No rose colored glasses.

 My girlfriends and I have talked about it for years in hushed tones and loud, laughter filled nights (depending on our mental state!). I've compiled a list of things for new mothers to keep in mind as they journey into "real" motherhood- information to keep in mind in addition to those helpful tips on breast feeding, diaper rash, food allergies and preschool selection. Let it take nothing from the joy and wonder that is motherhood.

As a mother...

1. Your life is now a national geographic special on display. You will witness (and participate in) things that you thought only prehistoric people were familiar with. Example: examining stool samples in search of swallowed coins, legos, erasers etc. and biting toe nails instead of clipping them in fear of waking a sleeping baby.

2. All those mothers you judged previously for their children's tantrums, discipline practices and lifestyle choices? Beg their mercy now. You will understand them all too well within weeks of delivering, if not before. You will find yourself a.) negotiating with gibberish speaking, foaming at the mouth midgets, b.)putting yourself in timeout to avoid yelling for the 50th time since you woke up and that was only an hour ago, c.) carrying a 60 lb. stroller, a 20 lb diaper bag and a 30 lb toddler into the drug store 2 mins before they close to pick up your hemmoroid cream and liquor or someone WILL get hurt. In case you were wondering, this is not a multiple choice question. You will do all three.

3. There's no point in saving those skimpy, sexy bathing suits and lingerie. Your body is NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, going to go back to the way it was. That nurse is lying to you. That "abdomen belt" and all the crunches/lunges/treadmill walking/weightlifting/spanx in the world will never bring it back. Your breasts will no longer look to the northern lights, but rather the south pole. (And this is in no way a play on words about some clothing line with poofy jackets and graffitti style lettering). Let the dream die.

4. For a year or more, your idea of a relaxing day at the spa will include brushing your teeth before 4pm, taking a shower alone while listening to music loud enough to muffle the baby's screams in their crib, and not running out of shampoo/zit cream simultaneously. If you accomplish all three of these in the same 24 hours, your day is going fantabulous. And if you manage to shave and not look like a babboon in a stained, oversized tshirt on your way to the mailbox, eureka!

5. Your marriage will take alot of work. Conversations at the dinner table (that's assuming you get to sit while eating!) will center around bodily fluids, feeding schedules and the latest and greatest butt cream. Long gone are the days of romantic banter and intelligent conversation. You will be so tired, you will fall asleep while talking and wake up facedown on the dining room table only because your breasts hurt so badly they feel like they're exploding. And sex, you ask? You would rather cut off a limb or drive a rusty nail through your eye socket then have ONE MORE PERSON touch you today. Period.

6. Everyone tells you that you'll be more tired than ever before. What they won't tell you is that you will become so sleep deprived that you begin talking to your imaginary friends more often than your real ones. You're convinced that if you answer the phone, the person on the other end can actually see what a hot mess you are and skype was created by the devil himself.

7. Your hobbies will become just one more thing that doesn't get done that day. You like to cook, but your dishes need to be thrown out now. They've been sitting in the same place you left them 3 days ago, food crusted and all, when the baby started crying. Like to knit and crochet? Your husband has now hidden your needles in fear. Scrapbooking? Once you print and organize the 5,000 pictures you and your family have taken, that may be an option. That may be 2030, but who's counting? You like to read? The only information you'll be taking in is what you googled last night on WebMD about fevers, rashes and strange odors. And those of you who say, "I like to exercise! That's my hobby!"...You're a liar.

8. You're going to have to face facts. Your house is never going to be clean again. It's true. You will find food from 2 years ago crusted to the side of the dishwasher. There will be sippy cups with unrecognizable solids inside them (I think it started as a fluid!) hidden in the backs of closets and bottoms of purses. The vents are now a storage facility for furry creatures and a 5 generations deep colony of ants. You could lose your child in the piles of laundry and the dust in your house now appears to be permanent, but you convince yourself you need to update your eye prescription. You begin to think you are losing your mind. "Didn't I just come through here and pick up all those toys? I intended to." You did. Your chaos loving spawn is working against you, plotting ways to destroy every attempt you make at regaining your sanity. Those books that say, "You are your baby's best source of amusement"? Hearing you loud and clear now, my friend.

9. All those fancy toys and gadgets they try to convince you that you need? Trickery, I tell you. Your baby will only like to play with those expensive toys when there's a babysitter present. When Mommy is present, nothing is more fun than shrieking at the top of their lungs and watching her rush into the room in full blown panic. What about the diaper genie, you say? Glorified trash can, I retort. "Every boy needs a wee wee blocker!", the saleswoman says. No they don't. You just need to make your husband change his diaper. Just kidding. But seriously, a good rule of thumb- point the wee wee the same direction as your breasts...south. "Your baby can read!" commercials deceptively aired late at night when you are awake feeding the baby? I know you're tired and sleep deprived, but seriously?  My 5 year old is nailing high school calculus. Whose kid is smarter now?

10. Your relatives will all have an opinion about how you raise your child. For that matter, so will complete strangers. They will stare, share advice about how they potty trained little Tommy in 1962, and say really silly things like "Are you sure that's a good idea?" to which I find it appropriate to say, "Are you sure it's a good idea to ask a silly question like that?" with the craziest, eye twitching face and maniacal laughter I can muster. Always keep them guessing, I say.

You still with me? Yes, I love my kids. No, you don't need to call Child Protection Services.

Motherhood is the greatest blessing of my life. It's brought me more joy and satisfaction that anything else before. It's also the most stressful and exhausting task on the planet, in my opinion. When your child smiles for the first time, walks for the first time or spells their name for the first time, it will be the proudest moment of your life. But let's keep it real. Motherhood is hard, so if you can't keep your sanity, atleast keep your sense of humor. It will carry you through most days.